The P Test

Work was pretty uneventful for most of the day. I mostly sat at my desk trying to look busy and plotting the perfect time to turn in my resignation letter. I didn't really know what I was waiting for until it happened. But when it did, the window was open and I dropped the bomb on them. My boss indicated that he would need to talk to the royal "them" about approving the week of accrued vacation I planned on taking for my last week of work. As of now I haven't heard anything back on that. Grrr!

I left working feeling aggravated and headed to the new job to drop off my paperwork and pick up the information about the drug test. When I got there I met with the President of the company who briefly interviewed me and then gave me the offer letter. Naturally I accepted and everyone was excited. They informed me that in addition to the drug test I would also need to take a physical. It would have been nice if they did it all in the same place, but the drug test and the physical were at different places. So on the way home I decided to take care of the drug test. One of the three location choices was right around the corner so I headed that way. After getting a little turned around from the crappy map I found the place. I walked up to the door and was greeted with a closed sign and a whiteboard that read, "Sorry for the inconvenience, but this location has been closed due to an unexpected FIRE." The following instructions directed me to another location across town.

I got there with plenty of time before they closed, but the waiting room was COMPLETELY full. I asked the receptionist how long this would take and she told me the test would only take a few minutes, but the wait would be over an hour. After an hour and a half they called me in where I took the stupidest test on a computer. Why was I taking a test on a computer you ask? Yeah I dunno! I just did what they told me to do. It was an aptitude test consisting of 50 questions, which were so easy that I read them over and over again looking for a trick or something I might be missing. There were even questions about the correct spelling of days of the week and months of the year. I was cracking up! After I finished the test they ushered me into a closet size bathroom where I had to fill a cup up to a line the guy drew on the container. Since I’d been holding it I had plenty to fill this cup. But the conflict was this…do I go straight off into the cup which presents the tough maneuver which involves stopping, pinching, setting down a cup of liquid that you don’t want on you, aiming and finishing? OR do I try to stop at an estimated halfway point, catch and gamble that I have enough to fill it to the line. I know you are thinking this is waaaay to much information and I’m making this waaaay to complicated, but these are tough decisions standing in a dimly lit, closet bathroom with a guy waiting right outside the door. I chose the first option and carefully filled it to the line. When I had finished I opened the door and handed my “sample” to the guy waiting. I was extremely careful not to slosh the contents on any of the involved parties. Before handing it over, I did make it a point to hold it up as if to toast my new job and winked at the receptionist standing in the hall. She laughed, but the sample-taker guy didn’t think it was funny. The cups actually have a thermometer on the side of them to measure the warmth of the dispensed “sample.” He then caps the sample and holds it up to eye level to check the temperate. At that very moment I felt strangely connected to this person. After all, he was gazing into my URINE like it was a ’63 Chardonnay. I could have sworn he was about to take a sip of it. Good thing the cap was already on it. I am not quite sure what I would do if a stranger took a swig of my urine. The whole process is JUST. NOT. NATURAL. After sealing, signing and authenticating my identity I was outta there….IN JUST UNDER TWO HOURS!

1 down, 1 to go.