Caption This!

My entry:
A real life representation of the week I had last week.

Parking Ticket

I just got a $30 parking ticket for parking on the sidewalk. Only there was no sidewalk. So how could I have parked on it? They might as well have put, "Parked on sidewalk and duck" on the ticket because there wasn't a
f%#king duck there either!

UPDATE:
I paid the ticket online. Yes, a weak moment, I know. But I knew if I didn't I would forget about it and after 15 days it goes up to 55 bucks! The nice lady who has the misfortune of answering the phone number on the back of the ticket told me that even if I intented to fight it I should still go ahead and pay it. That way in the event I score a devistating win against the city they can refund my money and I will not incur late penalties. So there is still hope of me sticking it to the man cause dammit there is no sidewalk there!

The Holiday Hangover

Is anyone else feeling this? The sort of grogginess of waking up from too much Christmas cheer, or turkey. It always seems like there is so much buildup to Christmas that when it comes and goes it leaves you with a feeling of blah. I speculate that this stems from a complete and total refocus of what Christmas is really about. I didn't go to church this year around Christmas. In fact, I haven't gone to church much this year. Call it laziness, call it whatever, but it definitely makes me feel a bit adrift as a person. But not all the time and thats really the problem. My life gets filled up with all these side projects and hobbies and things that make us so "busy", that I tend to forget how centered I feel after a powerful message that hits me right between the eyes on Sunday morning. Something like that is good, especially during Christmas time. It allows me to see through the fog of consumerism to the real reason for Christmas. Don't get me wrong here. I love giving and receiving gifts, but they are not going to fill that empty spot inside. Neither will turkey.

...And then it was gone

I wish I was saying that about the Inwood Theatre!

It all started with my new route home. Since its getting darker earlier I've decided to take an alternate route home from work. Have I mentioned that I hate that it is pitch black by the time I leave work?! So this alternate route takes me by a Walgreens (or as I call it "the Wall"). Since I didn't partake of any treat gathering Halloween expeditions I wanted to score some discounted individually wrapped treats from the Wall. I figured while I was there I would pick up a couple of other items which would keep me from having to make a trip to the grocery store. Turns out they didn't have what I wanted, but did have individually wrapped chocolately treats at discounted prices, so I partook.

So I figure I'll drop in to the local Tom Thumb and pick up the things I need. I should have noticed right away that something was awry when I was actually able to find a parking spot up front. I headed in and was immediately met with a sign that read, "STORE CLOSING, DEEP DISCOUNTS". WHAAAAT?! How is the store closing?! Every friggin time I've been there I am hip deep in people! There are always long lines at the registers! How is this happening?! I walked down the empty aisles hoping they would actually have the things I needed. No milk, no ziploc bags, no Fruity Pebbles (ok, I wasn't looking for Fruity Pebbles, but that was funny to type). The stuff they did have left was totally random though. Like 500 different types of olive oil, and Brita water pitcher filters and 40 packages of bacon and shiddy beer. It was like being in a bad grocery shopping dream. I turned up one aisle and there were 4 people, none of which were together, standing in front of about 7 boxes of varied types of crakers. I paused for a second before turning around. Half hoping to see one person grab all 7 boxes and get tackled by the other 3.

Everything was 20% off and I was about to find a couple of random items to buy, but I was still going to have to make another stop and I dreaded it. You see, there are only 2 other grocery stores around me. Once is a Whole Foods, which if you are into the whole health food, nuts and grains, vanilla yogart enema thing, its your place. But otherwise its only saving graces are the good selection of baked goods and the Jamba Juice inside.

The second, and more feasible option is the Kroger across the street from the now defunct Tom Thumb. This place is wrecked, filthy, and full of (how can I put this nicely? lets just say...) dirty people. This is the place where there are no parking spots because they are taken up by drug dealers pushing their crap out of their cars. Once you do manage to find a spot, its probably got a buggy in it. ARRRRGH!! And I just learned what was where in my Tom Thumb! I wandered the jam packed aisles of the Kroger looking for 3 items! My head was ready to explode. And this is one of those grocery stores that they built too small, so the aisles are too close together and you have to stand with your back to the other aisle to look at the shelves. If you've been in one you know what I'm talking about.

Once I found the items I was looking for I headed for the front. Every register that was open was 4 deep, the express lane had at least 6 people in it! Even the self checkout kiosks were backed up. I took a deep breathe and got in line for the self checkout. Now this is comedy! People get up to these things and turn retarded! They don't know when to scan, when to swipe their card. THE DAMN THING TALKS TO YOU! DO AS IT SAYS AND NO ONE GETS HURT!! I stood there for 5 minutes giggling to myself before it was my turn. Scan, scan, scan, scan, swipe, reciept, done! I ran to my car, threw my bag in the back and headed home.

The point to this long story? I'm driving to the Simon David on Inwood for my grocery needs!

Goodbye Inwood Theatre

...it was not fun while it lasted. Ally and I saw our last movie ever at the Inwood Theatre tonight. You know, that kitchy, hip little neighborhood theatre in Inwood Village, with the bar in it and the staff with way too many tattoos and piercings? Yeah, that one.

Tonight we went to see the 9:40PM showing of History of Violence. But the problem wasn't the movie and frankly I prefer not to focus on that part of the bad experience. I would rather focus on the old dirty man that was getting jerked off in the row behind me by a girl a third his age. And if that wasn't enough, they decided while they weren't doing "other things" they would actually give us a running commentary of what they thought about EVERY FRIGGIN LINE OF THE MOVIE! KILL ME NOW! I am almost positive that there is a special circle of hell reserved for people who talk during movies. If there isn't there should be! Since when is it acceptable to a conversation in a normal speaking volume with another person during a movie?!

NEVER! NEVER EVER NEVER!

After enduring this for a third of the movie I turned around and said "Do you mind not talking during the movie?" The guy says to me "have a nice day!" What?!?! After that they actually did stop talking....FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES!
(this is the sound of Mike's head exploding)
I gritted my teeth for the rest of the film and somehow managed to leave the theatre without killing someone. And by the way...if you are going to have a bar in your lobby...insulate the theatres so you don't have to hear a bunch of drunks screaming the whole movie. Just a tip. Actually, don't change a thing Inwood theatre. You just keep on doin it like ya do, cause I ain't comin back so I'll never know the damn difference. (yeah, i got all trailer park there for a minute)

But actually my faith in the goodness/purity/etc of humanity was restored (read: not really) when I stopped at the local Krogers to pick up a couple of pints of Blue Bell and saw someone peddling crack out of his pickup in the parking lot.

Where'd all the good people go?

Hump Day Update

I can't believe people still read this blog. The comments were great on the Saturday update. Keep 'em coming.

So I'm back at the apartment after hanging out at Al's tonight. She made us delicious pot roast and muffins for our LOST watching party. I say party, but it was really just her, me and Kitty. Kitty was lucky enough to be able to hang with us tonight. Eventhough she is a little skittish and very needy when she visits other places its good for her to get out. I am hoping that once it starts to get cool again, we can start walking on a regular basis. And by walking I mean further than the small patch of grass by my apartment that we walk to everyday for her to do her biz...that is when she isn't exploding all over my bathroom. We'll be headed North of course, since South is a bit...well...umm...urban. Speaking of it getting cooler, that is supposed to happen for the first time, FOR REAL, tonight. The high tomorrow is supposed to be 66. I can't wait. Bring on the cooler weather because we've had more than our share of hot. I am sick of the meteor, meatyor, WEATHER PEOPLE saying we are 20 or 15 or 18 degrees above average for this time of year. "SCORCHED EARTH TO WEATHERGUY: WE GET IT, WE WERE JUST OUTSIDE TOO AND FELT OUR PARTS STICKING TOGETHER! CRYSTAL, THANKS!"

Speaking of the clever "earth to" phrase, I was listening to the radio this morning on the way to work and the DJs were doing this game where they act out an obscure scene to a movie and people have to call in and guess the movie. I've heard them do this before and most of the time I know the movie, but today they were doing the "Earth to Matilda" scene from Zoolander and I felt compelled to call in and try to win. I don't know if you've tried this lately, but I am pretty sure it's damn near IMPOSSIBLE! I have tried to call in and win crap on the radio dozens of times in my lifetime and have NEVER gotten through. NEVER!! Am I doing something wrong? Is there a special key sequence I am supposed to be entering that no one has been nice enough to clue me in to? If so, screw you guys for keeping me in the dark! The only time I have ever made it on a live radio show was about 3 years ago when I called in to the Ticket during the Cowboys Show and told them they should have picked up Drew Bledsoe. They laughed at me! Umm, excuse me Ticket dillholes (Dale Hansen especially, he should be crowned dillhole king), who is the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys now? But enough about me being right...and seemingly clairvoyant. I'm going to bed.

Things I Learned on a Saturday Morning

Things I Learned on a Saturday Morning...

1. When you wake up at 8am and you don't have to be up. GO BACK TO BED AFTER PEEING!
2. Do not take a shower before you have made plans for the day. Inevitably you will get sucked into laundry and cleaning your place and get funky again.
3. Fried Fair Food (or as I like to call it "The Triple F") will cure a chronic upset tum-tum.
4. Do not ignore your dog acting batshit crazy after feeding her several tortillas the night before. If you have the mistake of doing this, they will explode in a flurry of 1s and 2s all over your domicile.
5. No amount of Febreeze Air Effects Meadows & Rain will overpower the smell of dog 1s and 2s.
6. There is no good or easy way to clean up ankle deep dog pee. Paper towels have to picked up after being completely saturated and the "deep ridges" of Swiffer Dry Pads are not deep enough.
7. Zen focus and mind-over-matter are not effective in stopping the gag reflex while picking up no-so-solid dog numero dos.
8. Dogs forget a "NO NO, BAD DOG!" spanking in approximately 7 minutes or when a food wrapper is opened. Which ever comes first.
9. Swiffer Wet pads create dust balls in the corners that have to be manually picked up.
10. Rubber backed bath mats can launch your washing machine into orbit during the spin cycle. It may be necessary to rebalance the load at this point.
11. While holding the lid button down watching the load spin you run the risk of losing your finger if the washer begins to spin violently.
12. It is ALWAYS a bad idea to stabilize the center agregating pole of a washing machine with your hands during the spin cycle while manually holding down the lid button.
13. Washing machines spin FAST!
14. A sure fire way to see all the neighbors you've never seen in the 5 months you've lived in your complex is to take out your trash sweaty while wearing flip flops and gym shorts.
15. When you think of something for your grocery list, WRITE IT DOWN THEN, because when you sit down to make your list all you remember is milk.
16. Paying rent sucks.

Britney's Baby

Britney Spears has her monkey baby. Truly a comedy goldmine! It just goes to show that with hard work (on your back), being totally classy (white trash), and finding the perfect man (to blow through all that is left of your earnings from all your lousy albums) anyone can chase their dreams and bring life (read: waste of) into this world.

I can just see it in a couple of months when all the money is gone and the Federline's are back in Humpurunkle, Louisiana. All the kids running around with permanant Kool-Aid mustaches...Britney preggo with her 4th...their Ferrari up on blocks in the yard. Ah, the simple life!

The insane, every-little-detail coverage has reached a new high (LOW) when I am forced to come out of the woodwork and make fun of it. We need to round up all the people in the world that were genuinely excited to hear the news of Britney's monkey being born, put them on a bus, and drive it off a cliff. This may seem harsh, but I assure you it will make the world a better place in the long run. Who am I kidding, IN THE SHORT RUN EVEN! Anyway, that's my two pennies.

Never Forget

So I am back at blogger blogging. Everyone can think Mike Harrison who left me a comment after stumbling upon my blog. If it wasn't for him I might not have made it back to post an entry.

Al and I watched The Flight That Fought Back about United Flight 93 that went down in Pennsylvania on September 11th. If you guys missed it I strongly recommend trying to catch a rerun of it. They are bound to show it several more times. It really brings into perspective the lives that were lost and the courage of everyday people faced with adversity. It makes me analyze how I would react to something like that. Either dealing with it first hand like they did on the airplane or living with the loss of a loved one who was aboard.

The movie took me back to that day, complete with all it's emotions. Otherwise I think I would have gone through today like any other day. Sure I knew it was September 11th and just like every September 11th since, I thought about what happened four years ago and wondered if "they" would every try anything again on this day (or any day for that matter). But I was too lax today and I hadn't thought about the lives that were lost and the familes effected by the greatest American tragedy of my lifetime. So as the last minutes of September 11th wind down, I say a prayer for the men and women who paid the ultimate price 4 years ago and for their families who continue to suffer...may God instill peace in their hearts.

NEVER FORGET

More Tality

Have you ever had days where you feel your mortality more than others?

I'm having one of those days today. After sleeping in a little too late I awoke to the tune of Linkin Park (my ringtone of choice at this point). It was my mom being very serious, very motherly, and telling me that she had to tell me something. You never tell someone you have to tell them something unless it is important, so my sleepy haze was wiped clean instantaneously. She started off saying, "I don't want to ruin your big weekend, but I want you to be careful this weekend and not drink a lot like you guys plan on doing." My weekend plans consist of jumping in the car with my brother and my cousin and booking it down to New Braunfels for a weekend of floating, drinking, and generally just barking at the moon. My mom continued with a warning that I may now have a kidney condition after my recent bout with gout (yeah it was bad, no I am not 70, yes that did rhyme). This brings me back to my overwelming feeling of mortality. Since last weekend I have been thinking about my health and life in general. Do I have a medical condition? Even if I don't, how can I change my life to live healthier? Why have I not enrolled in medical insurance yet? (Stoopid, stoopid, stoopid) How does cold fusion really work? Ok, so not the last one as much. I've always been one of those people that avoid doctors, medicine and anything that would make it seem as if I wasn't bangin-on-all-cylinders healthy. I am coming to realize that is not necessarily the best attitude to have about my health.

I think this all ties in to the sort of "wheels off" feeling I have had about my life lately. I think I was under the impression that once I graduated college, got my own place, a good job, etc I would be on easy street. The truth of the matter is things have been harder than ever before. I've been gliding along watching the scenery scream by with no real bearings. Where am I headed? What do I ultimately want to do with my life? How many more introspective questions will I ask myself in this post?