My PGA Tour Credentials Came In The Mail Today

So I figured it was time to swing the wrenches a bit. There is nothing more humbling than really sucking at something. Today was the day for my suck-star to shine. I dusted off the Caddyshack bag of garage sale clubs and headed for the driving range with the cuz. Let's get down to the brass tacks...my swing sucks. I liken it to the motion of an epileptic giraffe (if you can picture that). To be fair to myself I did send a couple of them whizzing in a somewhat straight-forward direction. But most of them ended up sending dirt farther than the actual ball and left my hands numb from the continual thump of hitting the ground. All in all it was a good time. I got outside on the warmest day of the season and sweated a little so I can't complain. Well, actually, I can complain a little because now my back hurts from using muscles I normally don't use while sitting in front of the TV or my computer.

Bad Blogger

I know I haven't updated in a week and for that I am sorry. I realize that I left you guys hanging on all the tests and physicals and yadda yadda I had to do for my new job. The good news is that everything came back positive...uhh...good...uhh...favorable(?). With as much bodily fluids as I gave those people they are probably well on their way to cloning a superior race of Mikes that will some day rule the world! (cue the sinister music and evil laughing)

The P Test

Work was pretty uneventful for most of the day. I mostly sat at my desk trying to look busy and plotting the perfect time to turn in my resignation letter. I didn't really know what I was waiting for until it happened. But when it did, the window was open and I dropped the bomb on them. My boss indicated that he would need to talk to the royal "them" about approving the week of accrued vacation I planned on taking for my last week of work. As of now I haven't heard anything back on that. Grrr!

I left working feeling aggravated and headed to the new job to drop off my paperwork and pick up the information about the drug test. When I got there I met with the President of the company who briefly interviewed me and then gave me the offer letter. Naturally I accepted and everyone was excited. They informed me that in addition to the drug test I would also need to take a physical. It would have been nice if they did it all in the same place, but the drug test and the physical were at different places. So on the way home I decided to take care of the drug test. One of the three location choices was right around the corner so I headed that way. After getting a little turned around from the crappy map I found the place. I walked up to the door and was greeted with a closed sign and a whiteboard that read, "Sorry for the inconvenience, but this location has been closed due to an unexpected FIRE." The following instructions directed me to another location across town.

I got there with plenty of time before they closed, but the waiting room was COMPLETELY full. I asked the receptionist how long this would take and she told me the test would only take a few minutes, but the wait would be over an hour. After an hour and a half they called me in where I took the stupidest test on a computer. Why was I taking a test on a computer you ask? Yeah I dunno! I just did what they told me to do. It was an aptitude test consisting of 50 questions, which were so easy that I read them over and over again looking for a trick or something I might be missing. There were even questions about the correct spelling of days of the week and months of the year. I was cracking up! After I finished the test they ushered me into a closet size bathroom where I had to fill a cup up to a line the guy drew on the container. Since I’d been holding it I had plenty to fill this cup. But the conflict was this…do I go straight off into the cup which presents the tough maneuver which involves stopping, pinching, setting down a cup of liquid that you don’t want on you, aiming and finishing? OR do I try to stop at an estimated halfway point, catch and gamble that I have enough to fill it to the line. I know you are thinking this is waaaay to much information and I’m making this waaaay to complicated, but these are tough decisions standing in a dimly lit, closet bathroom with a guy waiting right outside the door. I chose the first option and carefully filled it to the line. When I had finished I opened the door and handed my “sample” to the guy waiting. I was extremely careful not to slosh the contents on any of the involved parties. Before handing it over, I did make it a point to hold it up as if to toast my new job and winked at the receptionist standing in the hall. She laughed, but the sample-taker guy didn’t think it was funny. The cups actually have a thermometer on the side of them to measure the warmth of the dispensed “sample.” He then caps the sample and holds it up to eye level to check the temperate. At that very moment I felt strangely connected to this person. After all, he was gazing into my URINE like it was a ’63 Chardonnay. I could have sworn he was about to take a sip of it. Good thing the cap was already on it. I am not quite sure what I would do if a stranger took a swig of my urine. The whole process is JUST. NOT. NATURAL. After sealing, signing and authenticating my identity I was outta there….IN JUST UNDER TWO HOURS!

1 down, 1 to go.

Dodging Bullets

Lately I've had some pretty interesting adventures. Yesterday started with getting pulled over by the police on the way to work. He clocked me at 57 in a 35. Whoops! He asked for my license and insurance then disappeared for about 5 minutes so I was sure I was getting a ticket. He came back with nothing, but my license and insurance in his hand and asked me why I was going so fast. I explained to him that I was late to work and didn't realize the speed limit was only 35. He then asked me for one good reason why I shouldn't get a ticket. I felt like a 5 year old pleading not to get spankings for hitting my brother. I went with the "I apologize for not obeying the posted speed limits and will slow down in the future." He took a long look at my license again and then said, "well you convinced me!" I am soooo glad this cop got some on Valentine's day!

Valentine's Day Recap

It's the most romantic day of the year. Or at least that's what the card, flower, candy and jewelry peddlers want you to think. In a very unguy-like move, I ordered Ally's flowers online about a week ago and they were delivered promptly in the morning. YES! I also bought my mom 2 dozen yellow roses which I later found out means "friendship." Leave it to women to devise a code for the color of roses. A guy thinks he's doing good to get a girl beautiful roses and then he finds out the color means he wants to paint her garage. Whatever the code/colors meant, both Ally and my mom loved their flowers and smothered me with smooches.

Since Ally and I ran around crazy all weekend and had a very nice dinner on Friday night with Chuck and his...date, we decided to play it low key for the evening activities. We had planned ahead to make King Ranch Chicken (YUM!) and Al busted out with some awesome bean, corn, salsa dip for an appetizer. While the KRC was in the oven, she sprung another surprise on me. We were going to make homemade bon bons! Could such culinary debauchery be performed in the safety of one's own home?! I had my doubts, but I'm here to tell you that you can and should! The ingredients included crushed oreos, cream cheese, and almond bark. Basically we crushed a whole bag of oreos and then mixed them with cream cheese and rolled them into balls, then dipped our balls (ha!) in the almond bark. And by the way, almond bark is neither almond nor bark. They turned out great and were VERY rich.

After our excellent dinner we did something really romantic, but I really shouldn't talk about it. Do you wanna know? Okay just don't tell anyone else. We wrote my resignation letter. Whew! I know...hot action! Oh yeah and we also shopped on potterybarn.com! That was our red-hot Valentine's day and I loved every minute with my red-headed gal!

I GOT IT!

So since my life is never without real life drama I have to share a pre-story to me actually getting the job, but yeah I GOT IT!! WHOOOHOOO!!

For the first interview I was really early since I left work at 2pm and the drive was only about 15mins tops. The interview was at 3pm and I didn't want to be waaaaay early, but I certainly didnt want to be late. So I drove around the area a bit and it definitely helped me relax. So this time I wanted to stay consistant so being early again I drove a round a bit. I was soooo relaxed and feeling the flow...until the car in front of me decided to come to a screetching halt at a green light. I was INCHES from plowing this little green Mazda that was at a dead stop. Here comes the best part, I honk, the guy flips ME off. Maybe on his planet that means, "sorry, I'm an idiot" and I'm convinced that green means stop on that planet too. NICE!

I get to the interview, heart pounding, adrenaline coursing through my veins and I am still 15 minutes early. I let the receptionist know I'm there and in turn notifies the proper authorities. No not the police. He shows up and we walk down the hall to a different conference room. Whoa this could be good or bad! We sit down and he tells me the job is mine! He goes on to say that after interviewing several candidates he just didn't get the same great feeling he got from our interview. He said he felt like I was the perfect person for the job and only hesistated to say that he was afraid that some of the more monotinous tasks we had discussed prior would make me less interested. I assured him that I was excited about the opportunities for career growth that we had discussed in the first interview and told him that I would look forward to being on the ground floor of the projects outlined ahead.

Since I hadn't filled out a formal application he sent me home with one and told me to bring it back Tuesday when he would have a formal offer letter waiting for me. He also mentioned that I would need to take a drug test and pass a government background check required since they do business with the government. I filled out the application to a "T" (application writers of the world, I plead to you, take Elementary out of the education section!) and I'm set to return it today and schedule my P test. I told Alison this morning that this day has a real first day of the rest of my life kind of feel to it. I can only imagine how my first day at my new job is going to feel. All the nervousness of meeting a thousand new people and trying to remember all their names. My new desk/cube/cardboard box that I will have all my stuff in/on. Man, I'm STOKED!

Thanks for all the support and well-wishes! You guys are great!

The 2nd Interview

Today started off pretty frantic. I woke up suddenly to realize I had turned my alarm off and laid back down. I wouldn't have been so bad if the time showing on my clock was more than 10 minutes before I was supposed to be at work. DOH! So it was flight of the bumblebee around my house getting ready and shaving, which has to be one of my least favorite activities in the morning. Especially when I am in a hurry. One of the benefits of having an electric shaver is that you really have to try hard to cut open your jugular. Lucky me, right? To top it all off, I had to put on my half suit (suit pants and dress shirt) in anticipation of my interview after work today. More on that later. Ally was nice enough yesterday to iron and starch the new shirt we picked out this weekend so if nothing else, THAT will look snazzy. I grabbed my coat and tie and bolted out the door. I was finally on my way to work when I do the little pat-your-pockets-to-make-sure-you-got-everything maneuver and realize I don't have my cell phone! ARRRRGG! If I were a cartoon character I would have had steam coming out my ears and a giant exclamation mark hovering over my head. I whipped my car around and headed back home. I am now 20 minutes late. When I dart back into my house it was still pitch dark. I fell over a pet taxi, a laundry basket and even slipped down two stairs before regaining control of my ascension (dang slick dress shoes!). When I found my cell phone it was sitting right where I had left it on the charger. It looked up and said, "I knew you'd be back." Curse you technology that I can't live without!

I jumped back in the car after shaking the laundry basket free of my leg and raced to work. Have you ever had a morning where you get up early and you say to yourself, "I'm going to take it easy this morning? I'm gonna relax, have a cup of coffee and get dressed slow. I'm not going to speed on the way to work, I'm just gonna take it eaaassssy." Yeah me neither! But I am pretty sure ALL THE PEOPLE ON THE ROAD IN FRONT OF ME WERE IN THAT MINDSET! And they all wanted to drive in the fast lane. They wanted to just chill out and take it eeeaassy. While I am late, behind them and going out of my MIND!

So I get to work 30 minutes late. No one really seems to notice or care and I'm parked at my cube in Cubeville trying not to look conspicuous in my fancier than a normal Monday duds. Now the countdown begins to my interview. This will actually be my second interview with this company and I am once again in the try-not-to-get-excited phase. I don't want to get pumped up about it until it happens, but I am hoping they will make me an offer today. After all, they did tell me in the first interview that the second would be to meet the VP and make an offer, sooooooo. I have the joy of knowing this day will be lengthened by my anticipation. This definitely falls in the category of a try-not-to-get-excited violation, but I was thinking about how cool it would be to have an easy-to-remember, landmark date like Valentine's Day 2005 as the day I got hired to my first big shot, high paying, "I have arrived" kind of job. So everyone keep those fingers, toes, eyes, whatever crossed and send me good vibes at around 3PM CST.

Delurk Now!

Ok people, your chance has come.

You've been surfing my blog for how long? And you haven't posted a single comment, interacted, or tasted the full Mike's Blog experience? Sad sad SAD. Come on, you know you are dying to give it a try. If for no other reason, do it to see the cool, new page for comments that Blogger just revamped. They added the original post in a easy-to-read format, the existing comments and other important information to help you make a funny, witty, snarky, dimwitted, or even downright hateful comment post.

So what are you waiting for? If you don't have a Blogger account then sign up for one. It takes 2 minutes and any moron could figure out it. Hit THIS LINK and do it now! After all, human interaction is what Al Gore intended when he invented the internet.

Surf. Delurk. Comment!

Impact

Today I figured out that it is impossible to blog while Seinfeld is on. I popped in the Seinfeld Season 1 DVD and I am watching the pilot episode for background noise while trying to formulate/type a post and ITS. JUST. NOT. WORKING. Maybe it's because I have never seen this episode all the way through, but I kinda doubt it. I am pretty sure there is something about Seinfeld that blocks the blog synapses from the finger synapses. Maybe thats why I haven't updated in a week...yeah yeah...that's the ticket!

Things have been a little crazy over the past week, but then again if they weren't I think I'd be worried. It seems like the only time things ever slow down is right before something big hits and that is almost never the good big something. Most of my free time over the course of the week was spent looking for a job or hanging out with Al. I did end up making a day trip on Wednesday to a little town outside of Tyler, Texas for a funeralfor my uncle Bill. So my family, Ally and I all drove up for the day. It was a great service, probably one of the best funerals I have ever been to. I know that sounds really wierd...believe me that it was wierd to type. But it was a celebration of his life and his legacy more so than most funerals I can remember. One of the best parts of the service was when the Pastor opened up the pulpit to allow anyone to share their thoughts/feelings/etc. Some were long, some were short, but they were all heart-felt and sincere. For me, funerals always get me thinking about the legacy I will leave and the life I am leading on a daily basis. I think it reminds you that, as corny as it sounds, it's never to late to start having an impact on the people around you. Whether it's by your interactions with them or the impact you have by living your life in a way that they would want to model themselves after you. Striving to be a role model, in my opinion, is one of the strongest driving forces out there. So I move on with that in mind.

The unSuper Bowl

I woke up from my nap just in time to catch the start of the second quarter. I attempted to watch the pre-game show and festivities, but the repetition of Timmy, Terry, Howie and Jimmy (and Huey, Duey and Luey?) commentary lulled me right to sleep. As I repeated yesterday and several days leading up to the game, this was the first time I can ever remember being completely unexcited to watch the Super Bowl. In recent years I haven't cared for the teams competing, but I watched because it was the second to last game of the season, for the commercials and overall just because it was football. But this year was different. My TWO LEAST FAVORITE teams playing, the washed up Beatle Paul McCartney performing at half-time, and all the media hype about the intended tameness of this year's big game was enough to force me to put it on the back burner. Granted, I did watch the game, but I didn't 1) drink beer, 2) root for either team, or 3) go out of my way to make elaborate plans to unite as many people in one place to watch (as I was accustom to in years past).

In recap:
It was nice to see Philly get donkey punched at the end, even if it was by the Beantown Ballers. The Turdbirds remain the only team in the NFC East without a Super Bowl win...Eat that! The commercials were ok. The halftime show SUCKED and Amy Poehler lied to us about McCartney whipping out his dong (actually that's probably a good thing).

Go Cowboys!!

Punxsutawney Phil

Well, it looks like 6 more weeks of winter. Wait! What am I talking about?! Is anyone else just a little concerned that, even with all the technology available to us, we are still using this marmot for forecasting? We can put remote control vehicles on Mars, but we are still depending on wildlife for weather reports? I checked the TV schedule for tonight and surprisingly Groundhog Day isn't going to be on! WTF?! For as long as I can remember they have aired this movie on February 2nd. "This is Nancy Taylor, she makes sounds like a chipmunk when she gets really excited." And if you haven't been to PunxsutawneyPhil.com yet, you've got to check it out! Someone has waaaaay too much time on their hands.

Homeland Insecurity

Since I refuse to pay Microsoft for a premium account my hotmail has become almost unusable. The amount of spam I recieve is really quite amazing. Now if I upgrade my account they will offer "better spam protection", but I'm not giving in. Microsoft is probably paying these spammers to spend crap to my account in hopes of driving me to the brink. Every once in a while though, the spam subject lines catch my attention. The latest one that caught my eye was from "YOU CAN BE A COP" with the subject line "Homeland Security is xEVERYONE'Sx Job." The email wasn't text based or I would have pasted it in here. The highlights to this great advertisement read as follows:

"Investigate a rewarding career...Get your Criminal Justice degree FAST! Programs include National Security, Law Enforcement, Terrorism, and Criminal Investigation."

It's a little disturbing that places are fast-tracking people through degrees so they can protect our country. I know I'm going to sleep better at night knowing that people with bargain basement, receive-it-in-the-mail "Criminal Justice" degrees are standing watch. So I decided I would get out there and make a difference! I would get my Criminal Justice degree in order to protect our nation. Well, until I clicked on the next email down. They were offering me "$500 to $10,000 to work from home" so I think I'm gonna do that. Sorry Homeland Security.

Lemon Lime Roulette

I started limiting myself to one soft drink per day and since I normally forget to bring one from home I am forced to buy one out of the machine here at work. We actually have two machines in our break room and they are stocked with crap that no one drinks. I am convinced the vending company comes by our location last and fills our machines with all the beverages that no one is drinking at all the other sites they service. We are chock full of Diet Mug Rootbeer(who drinks diet rootbeer?!), Sprite BERRY (carbonated berry bull semen wha?), and several other nasty selections that you would only see at a church picnic where everyone buys the cheapest thing they can find to bring. The best part about the whole thing is the fact that for months we didn't have REGULAR SPRITE. We had this other malformation mentioned above, but not the normal lemony lime goodness that is plain jane Sprite. I kept putting PostIt notes on the machine pleading for the company to bring us REGULAR SPRITE, but alas nothing...or so I thought! I was in the break room one day shootin the breeze while my lunch heated up in one of our lousy microwaves (dont even get me started on those) and I happened to mention to one of my coworkers that I wished they would put Sprite in our machines. In a smug little tone he said, "Oh you don't know about it. They put Sprite in there like 6 months ago. It's on the Sierra Mist button." This whole time I'd been lusting after a 35 cent lemony limey libation and it was right under my nose. But they refuse to change the button, so it still says Sierra Mist and if you have ever tried it, oh it's nasty. I once mistook it for Sprite at a Taco Bell (back when I was eating fast food) and nearly projectile yacked my Baja Beef Gordita. So I play Russian Roulette every time I go to buy a Sprite.

"Will it be Sierra Mist?"
"I don't know man!"
"You push the button!"
"No way man this soda is for you...I'm not getting involved!"
"I'm scared! Hold me."

Blasted vending machine company! (that shall remain nameless for fear of them taking away my favorite pretzels from the snack machine)

I know I know, this post sucked. But if I reach just one person...It was all worth it.